Some Things Left Unsaid

Dearest B. I know I should've talk to you in person, I'll do it if I could. I'll swam across the ocean. I'll drive for ...

Dearest B.

I know I should've talk to you in person, I'll do it if I could. I'll swam across the ocean. I'll drive for months. I'll walk for miles. I'll do everything in my power if I could, sadly, this has been bigger than me. 

I missed those long days where you, H and I were sitting on your porch talking about dreams from a junior highschooler perspective. How you will be a news anchor, H will be a CEO of a diamond company and how I will be a fashion designer. Everything we knew as perfect, is those afternoons with lemon teas and shorts and our nokia phones.

I missed those birthday parties we threw for each other, those very small and sloppy cake we bake on H's oven. Those foods that I snuck off my brother's secret stash. Those laughters that three pre-teens shared over smallest things like my untamed frizzy hair or your first pimple. We were quite a team and we know it.

I regret every single day I spend on not answering your call. I regret every time I hit that red button and just threw my phone to the side. I regret every fucking goddamned time I didn't try to ask you what's wrong. That's my ego, that's where I'm wrong and that's when everything going downhill for us.

I was a selfish teenager with an ego. You and H are far more beautiful and smarter than me. I don't have even the smallest confidence when we walked together to our tutors. I was this girl with greasy hair, thick glasses, acnes and I don't think there's anyone out there having the slightest interest at me. Until today, it always is like that. Between the three of us, you're the one who were carrying the nuclear bomb inside of you, yet you're always the most calm, glowing and radiant. And that's how I always remember you.

You're a person with flaws. I get it. Sometimes I re-read your last letters, asking for our understanding that we've treated you like you're an alien. You got it wrong. We never treated you like an alien. It's just that it feels good for once having the attention for myself. It feels good that for once, I'm the one that people asked for and not you. And this is my fault. I just hope that you find it in your heart to forgive me for my selfishness.

You are a very beautiful and strong person. It's just that you forget the strong part sometimes.
You never once complained about your life. And it's our fault for not remembering that you got it harder than us.

I cried on your funeral. The first time in years I cried like I've been scolded really hard by an unseen powers. That it's the first time I truly lost a friend, and lost a beautiful friendship we had since we were so little. Losing a friend is the worst feeling I've ever felt so far.

Maybe that's why I kept having this second thought about being very social. Because life sometimes filled with backstabbers and it's so hard to keep track of a very loyal friend.
Of all my entire life, I partially spent it blaming myself for losing a friend like you. And you blamed yourself for all the pain we have caused you. 

After facing too many deaths of a loved ones I finally realize that there were some things that were left unsaid. Most of it were not the voice of anger or disappointment but rather the voice of love. Chinese people believed that this is the gui yue. The hungry ghost month where the soul of your families, friends and loved ones roam the earth for a month. I just hoped that this will be enough to give you some peace up there.

Our life has been different since you left. H moved to Sydney and then get married and stay in Brisbane. I was her maid of honor. It sucks that I'm not able to see her sooner since now she's following her husband jetsetting around. D is an aspired filmmakers trying to met his end meets in L.A, he's still the old D. O already had a daughter few years back, she looks very pretty. K... well K is nowhere to be seen. I heard she just graduated. 

And Me? I'm still insecure of how I look like. Still doesn't understand why the world goes around. Still asking for you every time I visit your grave to forgive me, and now I'm asking the same things I've been asking for years, to forgive me for being such a lousy friend. I had hoped you heard and understand my feelings. I hope the afterlife offers lemon tea, and we can visit each other's porches even after both of us had no longer linger in this world.

If you happened to have time, 
Love, J.

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