Sorry, Not Sorry.

Today I would like to talk about body images. Yes, as sensitive as it was, to most women, body images were considered important--especially...

Today I would like to talk about body images. Yes, as sensitive as it was, to most women, body images were considered important--especially to those who were born with extra fluff like me. 

Wait what? Yes, I'm almost a plus sized women. Weighing around 130 Pounds/65kgs, with height around 160 cm or 5'3". I was born with extra plump of fat in the front part of my body. It's so hard to find clothes that will fit me, since those extra plump of fat will make every clothes i wear looks either vulgar or fattening. I mainly wear L-XL clothes to hide my chests area, although M-L will fit my other body part just fine. 

Being called "fatty" "fat girl" "slugs" or as indonesian called it "gemuk" and "gembrot" was a daily routine. At first I cried and tried to lose a lot of weights that affect my health. People always tell me to exercise while most of them doesn't know i did yoga and running (especially with the dogs) almost daily. I don't eat that much either. One thing I know is I have a hormonal imbalance that affects my health, and to cope with such imbalance I was heavily dependant on certain medication. Those conditions topped with dating a very skinny guy (100 pounds/50kgs & 170 cm/ 5'7") and hardly found clothes my size.

I've tried everything from "healthy diet" to "weight loss drugs" to "just puke your food out". I lose my hope and stopped dieting. I'm lucky that I'm surrounded with such positive friends that made me turned those shame into our daily jokes. They always encourage me to live healthier instead of living skinnier. And now, even though i gained a few pounds i'm so lucky that i have more beautiful and glowy skin, and never feel sluggish at all, in fact most of people i know were surprised on how active my lifestyle is!

Well guess what, call me fat or whatever, I don't care. The only thing I'm concerned of, is my health and my well being. I don't need some random bastard on social media prancing around mocking my body images. Sorry, I'm not sorry I was born this way. I got friends, families and fiance who loves me no matter how fat I am and some hate comments will not break my will down.

image from Headspace (head there for more information!)
Whenever I was depressed and unhappy, I binge on sugary desserts. It's super unhealthy but I always use sugar as my moodbooster. I can't stop drinking soda because it's so addicting. Recently I tried to minimize my sugar intake and as it's Ramadhan (Moslem's fasting month), I used it as an opportunity to self-reflect on my very unhealthy eating habit and my body images issues.

Body image issues can lead to several unhealthy eating habits and in the end, eating disorder. You will find yourself turn into a self-deprecating enthusiast and develop this unhealthy obsession about yourself. It leads to several conditions including depression, anxiety, and addictions. And before some of you pro-anorexic/pro-bulimia groups attack me with "eating disorder is just a myth" argument, i present you headspace's article about eating disorder mythbuster which you can read and download here.

Lately this whole body-image issues were surfacing since I have this habit of scrolling through my social media feeds and find a lot of people fat-shaming other people. I found this as a very vile and unhealthy thing. Well, from my experience, people who make comments about other people bodies were the one who was uncomfortable with themselves either. They projected their anxieties towards other people, shaming them so in the end they feel extra good with themselves.

For those who were going through some body images issues; never break down. Love yourself, because if you don't even know how to love yourself, how can everyone else loves you? Stay positive and stay with positive people who encourages you to be healthier not to be skinnier. Focused on being healthy, not being skinny. And if you do some cardio and other sports activities, aim to look good naked rather than look good in clothes!

Until next time!

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