This Is It

I am engaged. I am getting married. Those two sentences have been haunting me for almost a month. I'm always afraid of what's ...

I am engaged. I am getting married.


Those two sentences have been haunting me for almost a month. I'm always afraid of what's coming to me. I'm always afraid of commitments. I'm always afraid of relationship--or having someone getting into me.


I always wonder was marriage will be the end of the road. I have two things that I believed dearly since I was a kid: One, my mom's career got stuck after she got married and two, my dad's happy-go-lucky life ended that day he married my mom. And they got married pretty late.

Looking back, I'm still very young and had this whole life ahead of me. I just got my bachelor degree two weeks ago. I just celebrated my 21st birthday 8 months ago. Was it too fast? Was it too soon? Am I too young?

Looking back, I barely know my fiance. He's in his late 24 and just started his career. He's off in a good start as a vet and he tried his best to make me happy. We've only dated for five months when he proposed and I impulsively say yes (because girls--or me--says yes to diamonds and cute vet). He never knew that deep down, I'm really scared.

I'm scared that he'll stopped loving me. I'm scared that he'll started find flaws in my personality that he couldn't bear to tolerate. I'm scared of our long distance relationship because I'll get jealous and turn freaky after a while without his attention. I'm scared of being unable to fit in with his family. I'm scared that I won't be able to fulfill his needs and there's so many nightmares haunt me ever since. I couldn't stop thinking of how incapable I was as a girlfriend--let alone being a wife.

But then I always remember how he treated me when I was jealous with his exes, or when I get cranky because somebody wakes me up earlier than it should be, or when I was sick he was beside me almost 24 hours a day. He carries my bag. He opens the door for me. He calmed me down whenever we had cockroaches and spiders in my home.

Was I always too focused with my insecurities so I forgot how gentle and loving he is? It's seems so. Will I try to change my point of view for the sake of our relationship? absolutely. But too bad, saying it--or typing it--is always easier.

The point is, we have to stopped focusing in our flaws in order to change for the better. As my friend said once, "the only key to your success is to stop focusing in your target, but rather in your action" . I kept focusing on how to be the perfect fiancee, so then I forgot how to love someone. And he shows me that love is humble, forgiving and needs hard work.

So, this it. I'm engaged, and I'm getting married.
And I'm starting a blog to chronicling my new life.

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