Stuff We Think in the Toilet #003: The Wheels of Karma

Karma. Simple words, big meaning. I never really thought that I'd be writing this and make the side of my story  heard. At least, 4...

Karma. Simple words, big meaning.

I never really thought that I'd be writing this and make the side of my story heard. At least, 4 years ago I wasn't. As usual, I change the name of the people that were involved in this story. But, for those who were reading this and realized who they are; I hope now you understand the repercussion of your actions. 

Most of us understands karma as the universal law of the nature--you will reap what you sow. What you do in this life will affect you in your next phase of life. This, is the story of a man who broke a girl's heart and get away with it for years until karma catch up with him. This is the story of forgiveness and letting go. This is my story, and is my side of the story.

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My first love happened in 7th grade. Contrary to the popular beliefs that your first love should be an awesome guy with an awesome personality and awesome looks, mine is a nerd with thick glasses, greasy hair, cheek full of zits and puberty acne, and barely even talks to girl. He's my senior and was in 9th grade. Let's call him A. Despite of my confidence, bubbly personalities, happy-go-lucky attitude and we are in the same social circle with tons of mutual friends, I barely talk to him. I'm so shy yet scared.

The opportunity to talk to him came the next year when we talk about computers and all stuff nerdy. I was so happy. We talk a lot about things, about how he owned a forum in the interwebz, about his blog and my (old) blog, about his family, and a lot of things. So happy that by the time we get really close on the beginning of the 9th grade, I confessed to him and he reject me.

It's so sad that he didn't like me, he said I'm not his type, that we should stay friends. That made me quite sad. This is the beginning of a series of bad decisions that I will made until this very day. I was close with another boy and began dating him. We broke up a year later and I was drawn to A again. We got close again, but then I found out he is close to another girl and I was dating another boy again to hide those pain. When I broke up with the second rebound guy, we got close again and talks so much about life and politics and philosophies together. I was in 11th grade and he just get into the 2nd best university in Indonesia (because the first one is my alma mater, sorry guys, but I'm bias just like that).

He promised that we will watch a certain movies about World War II together because he was very interested with World War II. Too bad, turns out he was seeing another girl (again) and watch the movie with the girl and his friends (which was my friends too! See? this is why I don't really like to use the terms "friend" so much). I was devastated that I literally threw myself to the third rebound guy that is a jerk to me; yet not long after that, A broke up with this girl--AND WE GET CLOSE AGAIN.

I WAS LIKE, ARE YOU FUKEN KIDDING ME.

but you know, he has his own charm. And I think he got me wrapped up in his spell that I will choose him over anyone--even over a boy that truly loves me and will do anything for me. We maintain this toxic relationship where he'll go to me when he's in a bad condition and need comforts but he'll disappear when he felt comforted enough.

And I began to doubt myself at this point. I'm sure that he doesn't even love me, but my compassion get over my logic. We did a lot of things together--yet I was seeing another men on the side. It's very toxic for anyone and even our friends encouraged us to be together--doesn't work.

We're too close to call ourselves as friends yet too far to call ourselves as a couple. I wasn't ready for any kind of dare. On his birthday, I was at school and I received a phone call that his dad passed away. Yes, right on his birthday, so imagine I was freaking out and I decided to skip class even though I'm on 12th grade and need to prepare for national exam. I love him too much to even think about my own priorities. And he always gives me hope by drawing me close to him each and each time.

I was there for every worst moment that happened in our lives, and looking back, almost all worst moments of my life were caused by him, whether intentionally or unintentionally. After his dad funeral, we became really close again and our friends keeps pressuring us to be together, to which he replied; "i can't be with her since she's too stubborn and will do anything as she pleases, i took her more like a best friend,"

well, best friend my ass.

BEST FRIENDS FUKEN STAY FOR EACH OTHER.

yet he was never there on all of my worst time and... not too long after we had that conversation; he dated another girl, let's call her T. He describes her to me as amazing, religious, beautiful, smart. Imagine how the goddamn pain struck my heart at that very moment. He brought the girl to hang out with our friends without inviting me. Yet, everytime he had a problem with that girl, guess which bitch he was running to? ME. If he got into a fight with her, with who he'll seeks comfort with? ME. I always listen to his crap 100% at the time eventhough it hurts me. And when it hurts I will fool myself by saying "I will just be happy that he's happy"

But this can't go on for long because I started to date rebound guy number something--sorry I lost track of exes sometimes, on which, this particular ex, had drop me off in the middle of nowhere because I cut my hair and he was lost in the sea of his own jealousy. Then with the intention to forget about rebound guy number something and A, I dated yet another rebound guy...which in the end, reveals to me that he can swing both ways.

Those bad decisions led me into a blessing in disguise though. I was accepted in both of my alma mater and A's alma mater. To be honest, I don't really want to leave town and go to my current alma mater, but I can't stand this unholy ways of getting a rebound guy over and over again and falling head over heels to A over and over again.

So, off I went. 500+ kilometres away from my bestfriends, friends, family, home. In order to AVOID FALLING IN LOVE WITH ONE GUY THAT I'VE BEEN "SEEING" FOR 5 YEARS. I was like a drug addict, and everytime he calls me I got a fuken relapse; so I block his number, delete his contact, and forgets everything about him.

It wasn't easy though. We met once when I was home for holiday because my friends insists that he should've come, besides, he and T wasn't in a good condition. I believe it was my bestfriends trying to play cupid, but I was seeing a guy that I really love at that time so I ended up ignoring him all the way. We did exchange contacts again, in courtesy of making my friends happy. Am I a compassionate person or not? Blergh.

We started light texting through BBM once to say happy new year, happy birthday, merry christmas, ied mubarak and such. I didn't really care with what he said. In fact I was so happy with my relationship that no matter how much we talk, I didn't even look at him anymore. I let him go to be happy and I want to be happy as well. So it's actually very civil.

Until the day that broke up, two years ago.

I knew his relationship gets rocky when T was accepted in a college that requires a train commute further than A's commute to his college, and A was very busy until he neglected T. But I don't care. If she was neglected by his own boyfriend; why do I have to meddle? She's not my friend and he's just an old piece of past for me.

But if only the break up was clean, because it turns out that T was seeing this GIRL. Yes, T turns out to.... I don't know how to put this cleanly on in the right way... like girls also. Basically when A neglected her, T got really close with this boyish girl who is rumored to be a lesbian, let's called her K. T & K likes japanese Idol group so it's easy for them to conversate and since they are girls, it's easy for them to have sleepovers, etc. NO I'M NOT SUGGESTING SOMETHING HAPPENED BETWEEN THEM. It's just that the relationship between T&K grew bigger while T&A grew further apart. And A confided to us that K always suggests sexual innuendos to T.

He was ripped apart and guess who was the person he turns to? yes, me.

He confided everything in me and I was like, oh well, he'll get better. And he's not getting better. If else, he's going in a downward spiral. Mainly because he loved her and she gave him a reason not to be. We meet up, and he tried to say sorry to me in the worst way possible in front of my friends. You want to know my reaction?

"Well, obviously, from the time that you ditch me for that girl, I already gave you an options--either I slapped you or God slapped you. And you chose the latter one, and boy, was that hurts,"

He was dead silent as if I just hit his head with bricks. Our friends laugh but I felt a dead air around me. For me to say things that ruthless in a cold blood manner, wasn't something very unusual in our circle of friends, but this time I didn't really feel anything. I didn't intend to joke. It's a pure evil and malicious comment and it was very malignant for me to say such things to his face.

In fact I was smiling. and I was happy he suffered. I was glad that God has chosen the right time to give him a slap in the face. I couldn't be happier with my boyfriend and my current life, and he sinks so low. For once, seeing him sad doesn't bring out the best in me. I don't go and comfort him. I learned that what we used to have was cheap and barely there. It was one sided. And he was one sided now, no?

Later, I wouldn't think so much about it because I thought he learned his lesson very well. In fact, no. Two years after that encounter, we met again. This time he was flying to my town to attend a cross-religion seminar--something that used to be our favorite topic. I picked him up with Alfa, but beforehand I told Alfa that me and him used to have a long history. He was agitated a bit by the fact we're going to pick up someone from my past that used to be one of the reason I move town.

The man I was picking up was nowhere near the man I used to love. He's thinner, had this shabby look, hasn't graduated yet for 7 years, and the worst--his eyes were dead. I know that he hasn't move on from T yet, and I think it's eating him inside. I pitied him so much that I even decided to pay for lunch and take him to his meeting. That wasn't love. That was pity.

Later, one of my friend told me he has problems with his lungs and there's this crazy fact that T still contacted him and gave him yet another false hope, because if he tried to chase T, she'll disappear, but she'll reappears anytime she needs him. That eats him alive everyday. Most of our friends already tired with him not getting over T for two years and had given up on him already. They're sick of the level of toxicity T has bring into A's life.

Hearing this, I felt so sad and I think he had enough of this karma wheels. But that's not for me to decide. Whether the wheels will turn and return into its normal state, or for some reason it was stuck in a state like this, that is the Universe to decide. For me, justice had been served already and I don't want to see him in an even worse situation. I don't even wish this kind of ill state for my worst enemies. Everybody keeps pestering me to forgive him, but in fact, wasn't the one who needs to forgive himself was his truly?

Lesson learned; never take karma so lightly. Whatever we did, somehow will come back to us. And if it wasn't enough, it'll haunt us for the rest of our lives.

For A, wherever you are, I'm only wishing for your happiness, health and prosperity. I truly wish that you would find happiness the way I do. And I hope that you'll find someone who loves you better that anyone else. I was bitter for the 5 years we spent together--but hey, if you've never been the jerk that you were, I wouldn't end up in a very good hands. 

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hai, terimakasih ya sudah mau mampir ke blog aku dan baca-baca isi blognya. kalau mau komen plis jangan ninggalin link hidup. keep in touch yaaa

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